Greasing The Right People Opens Doors

Good Day peoples, let's get right down to business.

Today's lesson is about "greasing" the right people. You can shove bribing and tipping into the greasing category too, in the end, it all involves greasing the wheels of life to get what you want.

What is Greasing?

When people think of greasing someone, they imagine the cliche of some trench coat-wearing guy in a back alley with a suitcase full of money. Usually that guy is paying someone off, bribing him or in some way corrupting him. That's a limited way of looking at greasing.

My definition of greasing is using any resource you have (money, favours, services) in exchange for a resource or service you need (immediately or in the future). It's an art form that's different for every person and for every resource or service of interest.

Tipping a bouncer, security guard, mechanic, or bellboy well, can grant you either immediate or future benefits. On that note, so can contributing money to a political candidate or sending money to an "associate" charity.

Need = grease

The point of greasing is to get something in return. Successfully greasing someone involves long term planning. When you want something important, you can't just throw money in people's faces and expect them to bend over. The whole point of greasing is to get an extra favor or service not available to the general public, and that involves building a relationship over time, just like trust. You have to be a stand up guy, not just an arrogant prick whose wallet is thick...

Yes, you can give any bouncer you don't know a fistful of 10k notes and he'll let you into his club or event but it doesn't mean you'll get the private booth or special favours. Hell, he might just take your "offer" and ram it down your throat if he doesn't like your face. But examples are for later.

Effective Greasing

So how do you grease someone? Like with everything else in life, there is no standard. You have to personalize every grease. You can give cash, you can give a gift, you can offer a free service, a stock tip, whatever, as long as you're subtle and discreet. No one wants to be known as corruptible. If you embarrass someone by greasing them publicly, then you lost whatever goodwill you were trying to buy.

By the way, if someone says "no" to you, don't insist. People have tried to grease me on plenty of occasions. I try to be polite about it while refusing, but when they insist, that only makes me want to tell them to fuck off, not help them.

Find everyone's weakness and shower them with it.

Grease the Weakness

Your grease should play on your target's weakness. Most of the time, it's money. No matter how much a guy is making, a few extra shillings always come in handy. Sex is the other major weakness, hooking guys up with Halle Berry or big thighed Trina look alikes is an effective way too. A friend of mine, let's call him John, once had these overweight tax guys serviced up and down by a group of "ladies" at a ritzy hotel. Immediately, he got nothing in return. Long term? Let's just say John never had a problem with anything related to alcohol at his establishments again.

Like I said before though, the grease doesn't always have to involve cash (though cash is king). It can be a gesture, a unique service, a rare book (if you are the kind of freak that has relationships with book store clarks) anything that is distinct and sets you apart.

Again, the key is to grease over time, slowly and effectively. Don't grease someone every single time you see them because then it becomes an expectation. There's nothing worse than a guy putting out his hand every time he sees you.

The resources you give out (money, gifts, favours,) have to be spread out over time. This might take months if not years, but when you need to call in that favour, you'll be happy you did it. Even if you don't ever call in that favour, your level of servicing is likely to increase, so your efforts are never wasted, unless you ask for a favour too soon.

Lesson 1: Don't grease someone right before you need something, unless they ask for the greasing as a pre-requisite for rendering a said service. Understood?

Who Deserves Lubrication?

All right, it's time for examples. Here are a few people you should and shouldn't grease:

Restaurant Managers

Everyone should have a nice restaurant to fall back on when they need a last minute reservation. Preferably, you have picked a hot spot where you can arrive and have a seat without waiting losely like the rest of the dick heads.

The cost? You have to become a regular customer at a particular restaurant. You must subtly slip some cash his way on a regular basis especially in the beginning and eventually decrease your frequency of greasing. Once you're an established client, continue to send over drinks, he may not drink them, but the gesture will be appreciated.

Club Bouncers or Managers

Like a restaurant, everyone should have a hot nightclub to depend on when they need to impress some guests and get some royal treatment. You show up at the door, you get in, you don't pay. No fuss, no stress. The opposite of most people's clubbing experiences.

The cost? Clubs and club bouncers change like the seasons, so pick a club that will last. You'll have to use cash in the beginning, get your face known and go often. Eventually, hand him things like cigars or an expensive lighter, anything related to his job. Remember to do these things if you're not yet known city wide and trust me bouncers/managers always remember the clients who treated them with respect even when they have to throw you out (they'd do so politely and discreetly versus loudly and physically).

Hotel Managers

There might be a time when you need a last-minute hotel suite for your side dish and her frisky friends. Hell, even if you feel like doing your wife in a classy joint, they can set your room up to look as if the president was staying there. Complementary perks at a hotel are always a plus (and I don't mean an extra chocolate on your pillow).

The cost? Make sure that anytime you book yourself or someone you know into a hotel, you do it at the same hotel and through the same sales manager. Just make sure you are not on any hotel black list for any reason.

Lawyers

Forget it. Their friendship with you ends the minute their fees are paid. Because you pay them enough as it is, and you pay them to do a job and not any extraordinary favor, you don't need to grease them.

Accountants

There is no client/lawyer privilege when it comes to accountants. They know all about your dirty laundry and can get summoned if you're cooking the books, so you better treat them well. Do your homework when choosing an accountant, before you hand over your financial sins.

The cost? Gestures here go a long way, tickets to a resort territory, a good bottle of wine, a paid weekend getaway for him and his wife. All these gifts say, "Keep your mouth shut and I'll treat you well." Make sure he knows he's appreciated.

Butchers, Bakers, Fish guys

Becoming known at any establishment where you do your food shopping brings nothing but good things. Not only does "Joseph the Butcher" starts giving you cuts from his own stock in the back (i.e. the good meats, not the ones on display), but the day you might be short on cash or forget your wallet, he'll offer you the meat as a gift. For "Jack the Baker," the same thing applies, The day you need a last-minute birthday cake for your daughter because you can call Jack at home and call in the goodwill you have generated.

The cost? Tip these men well. Give them a little extra every time you go to their establishment. Eventually, you'll get a discount anyway. Don't cheat on them by visiting competitors, unless you are unsatisfied. Visit them regularly and refer your friends to them.

Bank Tellers

If you are a Joe Nobody, meaning you don't bank in the Swiss, then having a bank teller cash a check quickly without freezing it, or depositing 10 large without having to fill out those damn TISS forms is a big thing. So is getting rid of all those shylock like bank fees they charge you.

The cost? Treat them well, treat them with respect and remember their names. Send her a card (let's face it, most tellers are women), a gift on the holidays or anything that doesn't say, "I'm a stalker." If she's cute and you lay pipe on her, send her some flowers after.

It's an Art

Greasing someone can be seen as an art form, but it's more like work, at least PR work, if you catch my drift. Starting today, you should look at your situation and make sure you have enough people in your phone book to call on if you need a favour.

If not, get cracking with the greasing, don't be greedy and think long term. Remember to be subtle. Don't insult people. A gift can go a long way, but cash is king. And everyone has a price, the talent is finding what that price is.

the audacious truth